Year 2011, Part 1. (:

It's hard to believe this year is already over! So much has happened and so much has changed, but hey it's making us who we are right?

January:
I began to learn more and more about mommy hood while watching my beautiful boy grow. This month was full of mommy duties and very little friend visits... ahah

February:
The "royal diaries" trio grew closer and closer as we shared each others deepest secrets. We began to really build trusts within one another and start a real friendship. Aubrey practically spent the night every weekend haha.
So many amazing youth memories were made, we finally began to come together as a family.

March:
March, oh my march. It was filled with amazing amounts of drama. I was juggling being their for a struggling best friend and at the same time, my relationship with my boyfriend (at the time) started to really go down hill. I was all kinds of confused and we were constantly fighting. During this month there were many nights laying on the bathroom floor with tissues and a iPod.

April:
This was ONE of the hardest months in 2011. I struggled with many things but most of all, the one year anniversary of losing my father to cancer.. There was many nights I spent crying myself to sleep wishing he would just come back for a day, few hours, even minutes..My best friends were there but kind of acted like nothing happened, almost like they forgot. But of course I understood with a situation like that what do you say? How do you say it? Do you even say anything at all? I probably wouldn't have. It was rocky with my family trying to hold it together, but we made it through. Oh lord not to mention the tornadoes that swept through the south. It was a very devastating time but I was so blessed to see how the town pulled together and showed how much tragedy can bring out the good in someone if you let it.

May:
On the very first day of this month my world got turned upside down. Some may say it's stupid, but my boyfriend of almost 2 years left for the last and final time. Now I can say i'm glad he did so, but at the time I definitely didn't feel the same. I remember almost trying to work it out, but slapped myself back into line. I guess he'll always be my happy never after. I honestly think by this time my friends were just like, "Seriously?! Again?! This is getting ridiculous." The pity probably began to shrink as their hatred for me grew. haha. But of course they stood by my side and supported me through whatever. And of course a certain someone tried to sneak into my life and confuse me. haha Oh yeah, and one of my best friends graduated. Oh my, that day was filled with joy, tears, and many laughs. I was so proud of her and excited to see what she would make of herself.

June:
Summer finally! That month I had to face the fact that one of my best friends would be leaving soon for college. It was ruff, but we all held together and got through it as best as possible. Ex- boyfriend drama began to heat up as he tried to re-enter my life one again explaining that he had changed. Oh what a fool I was. I soon learned that it was all a front. Once again, my heart was torn into pieces and from that moment on I learned to not let my guard down with that boy ever again. As well as other boys to come..

patiently but not patiently waiting...

Here I go about to rant about my problems again..Oh well.

Breaking your own heart

Well, here we go. If you get bored of reading this, just continue to the next blogger because none of this is going to be about any of you that are reading this, because the guy this is about will never ever read this blog. And this my beloved, is the beauty of blogging. (: I'm going to get personal, deep, and open, so read this blog at your own risk. And to you, Mr. guy, i'm going to type this blog as if I were actually talking to you, because it will help even though I would never say these words to you.

Dear Guy,

I'm sorry, really, I should have left you.. but instead I waited around till you left. That in itself was not right of me, and I've come to realize that now. But what I just can't get is why you left the way you did, because believe me I applaud you for leaving, good job. I'm glad to see one of us finally grew up and realized we couldn't make this work. Believe me I really do, but do you really have to leave with a bloody, messy, and damaging fight every time you leave? I mean, I don't know everything, and I never will so I won't even know why you left me the way you did, and I didn't like how you did leave, but I do like that you left although some days I don't, even now.. The sad fact is that I can't ever get away from you because we made this selfish decision. Now don't get me wrong, if I had the chance of taking this road and having my son, or taking the easy road and not having him...I would still chose this road. But that doesn't take away the fact that I am bothered by the fact that I can't ever seem to escape you. Honestly, I will highly respect and honor the next girl that walks into your life and dares to take my place and stand where I used to stand in our relationship. That was a very, very hard place to be. I have come to the terms that she will love you better than I ever could, and I hope and pray to God that happens for you. I hope the best for you, I really do.. but sometimes I wish you just would leave me be.

In three days it will be the 6th month of a life changing experience for me, and you know who I have to thank for that? You. I thought I would never say that, but I do thank you. I still don't really know who I am without you, but I'm learning. You have taught me to trust myself, to be thankful, to be cautious, to be better, to rise above, and to most importantly trust God more than anything. Let's get real, although you have helped me come to these things and pushed me to my limit where I was able to do these things, God is the one that carried me though it when you were the one abusing, cursing, shouting, leaving, and breaking my heart. So as I thank you, you should also know not to get all high on your pedestal, because all it has made you look like is a jerk, and made God look even better. Maybe there's a reason why the journey with you has been so hard lately..for me to get over you. You and I both know I need that. Call me crazy, but I still have feelings for you, and I shouldn't because all you have done. But well, I guess that's what happens when you have such a deep connection and relationship at such a young age..consequences of your own actions are heart breaking. And this my beloved is the process of breaking your own heart..

To all the readers, be wise and cautious of your decisions, cause you never know how a person will turn out in the midst of troubling circumstances.

Words I couldn't say..

Wow. That's really all I have to describe this moment. 

I really thought that you meant what you said, and wow, you really deserve an applause. You actually had me to believe that you actually cared. Man, you're good.

All my life I've dealt with the same old thing, and you proved to me that you're no different. Actually, kind of worse. I never really had any other person hurt me like you, and you probably will never know that, even if I ever tell you, because of course you never do anything wrong...But guess what, you did lie, you did forget the consequences of your actions, you did hurt me to my soul. What's funny is you don't even care enough to ask, and that in itself is sad, so sad. It wasn't me who changed, because it could have been good, heck it could have been great. And I wanted that to happen, but guess not. That's life, people leave, and that's something us as the people are gonna have to realize. And I guess after all this, after how many times i've gone through this, I have finally realized that. You're actually one of the most selfish/selfless people I have ever met,and I don't even know how you make that happen, but you do. It really hurts me to see your life make such a drastic change..I want to cry sometimes, want to help..Oh wait, I did try to help..Guess you didn't listen. And I know you blame me for it, I know you point the finger at me, and i'm sorry for my part. but you don't even know half of it...

Why..

Have you ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Why is the sky blue? Why do some people have harder lives than others? Why are some children homeless? Why are some kids so spoiled and selfish and yet some others didn't even have a meal at all that day? I have asked myself this question today. I have come in contact with a situation today that has set my world into a million scattered, chaotic, crazy,  and little pieces. I found myself asking the question: Why does this happen? Why does this have to happen? RIGHT NOW of all times? We all have that one situation, or those couple of situations, that take our life from being something that we are proud of, and go to rock bottom. That one moment when you know God is there, but you can't feel him AT ALL. That one moment when you question all truth, and most of all, question yourself.

And sometimes you just can't explain those moments, and if you try to, you find yourself getting stuck into a realm of questions that end up taunting the human mind. This is my problem, wondering why things happen. Why they have happen to me and not others, and why worse happens to others and not me..

Suddenly I see,

I have always wondered about this "Love doesn't hurt, and if it does hurt, it isn't love. The person who is worth it won't let anything hurt you." crap, and I have officially come to a realization. Love does hurt, sometimes it hurts more than anything else, but if you actually LOVE that person you will still be there through the hurt. Because lets face it, who's perfect? I don't see anyone perfect around here. There are some stories where love just seems to make a way where there seems to be no way. Then there are other stories where love seems to leave you confused and broken. And that's okay, because that's life. We live and we love, that's how we learn. Right? Or does everyone just tell themselves that so the pain will subside for a moment? Or do we actually believe that and live that theory out? OR is it because it's not actually LOVE's fault, it's our fault for how we handled that love? Because at the end of the day, why are we broken in the first place? It is because of love itself or because of the choices we took while "in love"? Loving someone hurts sometimes, and I understand that just as much as the next person. Because honestly I still love him, but I would chop my hand off before I reached for him again. And the only person that's to blame for that is myself, I could have stopped it, I could have prevented it, but I didn't. But does that give me the right to blame LOVE for this pain I feel sometimes? Definitely not. Suddenly I see, I'm not perfect, we're not perfect, but love is.