you gotta fire and it's burnin' in the rain.

It's been like a month since I've started having feelings for you and honestly, they get stronger everyday. I tried to stop thinking about you, I tried to keep my mind off you.. but that just made me think of you more, and in return that makes me like you more. It's a never ending cycle of falling for you. I think about you, all the time..and I don't know whether I like that or not. Today we were supposed to do something, and I waited for you..for four hours. It's not the fact that you stood me up that bothers me, it's that you ignored me while you did it. I understand you had an issue where you had to leave town, but could you not tell me that? Did you honestly have to ignore every single text of mine? Maybe you're trying to push me away, maybe you want me to pull myself away from you.. Honestly, it's kind of working. You keep sending mixed signals and I don't know whether you like me or if you don't give a crap about me. I think that's what bothers me the most, I have all these feelings and you act one way one day, and one way another. I kinda feel like my heart is on the table, and it just sits there while you play around with it. Not telling you is killing me, but being rejected might kill me more.
My heart tells me one thing, and my mind tells me another...Maybe it's time to follow my mind for a change.

Please don't be in love with someone else..

Today was the last day.. I'm officially out for the summer.
Honestly I'm not sure what I think about this. I'm excited that schools over, yet I'm kind of disappointed. I know, most people would be like what the crap, she's crazy! But well, there's this guy...
Don't all interesting stories start with "Well, there's this guy? (:
We just started getting close the past few weeks and well, there's feelings... shocker. Who didn't see that one coming?! Honestly I never thought I would have feelings for him, but then I got to know him and now I can't seem to get him off my mind. There's one problem, he has a girlfriend. Um yeah... fml. (I HATE that saying, but it applies)
People always say, if he messes with you when he has a girl, then he'll mess with someone else when you're with him. Heck, I say that! But I just half care yet half don't. I'm being careful, yet how can you be careful with a guy like him!? All I know is I haven't felt like this in a while, and I like it..I like him.
He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes my day, he cheers me up, he calms my mood.. I could go on forever! He texts me and I blush for like five minutes. Is this abnormal? I'm just honestly kind of scared, some people might say "why are you even scared, you're just a ho!" But I'm scared because I don't want to just be that " back up" if him and his girlfriend don't work out. I want someone who falls in love with me because of me, not because he's bored. I don't want to be his "in case" girl...I'm just scared of being hurt.
Maybe I'm reading into this too much, maybe he doesn't like me like I think he does..
Maybe..

I don't know what I am to you. And I don't know what I mean to you..All I know is every time I think of you, I want to be with you..

Baby you're no good for me..

Well here we go again, somehow you always seem to make me think that we can make it work.. and this time, I actually believed you. I actually thought you might of changed..boy was I wrong.
And of course you would pop up right after I made the conscience choice to start getting over you and moving on..Looks like we start back at square one.. Honestly, you had me falling again, and I was falling hard too. I'm upset that it had to take this long for me to realize you were playing me, and only nice because you wanted something.. But I guess sometimes you just can't see certain things till you get to a certain point. And God, when I saw that I ran for the door. Like hell I'm gonna go through that same crap again. You must be absolutely crazy if you think what you did, how you treated me, how you talked to me, would EVER, EVER fly again. I'm really disappointed in myself, for letting it get this far. and for letting my heart be this vulnerable. I just hope and pray that I never ever do that again.  Each time we do this you show me how you are so much of an ass wipe and how God is so amazing. Yes, I did just use ass and God in the same sentence. haha. So go have fun with your dirty, little nasty, probably infected of an EX. I'm gonna find a man, a strong, handsome, funny, quiet, loving, and understanding MAN. Not a little boy, that has emotions like a little girl. Grow up, and get you some tissues. cause I'm sure you're crying right now.

Guess you'll always be my happy never after.

God's grace is everlasting.

Year 2011, Part 1. (:

It's hard to believe this year is already over! So much has happened and so much has changed, but hey it's making us who we are right?

January:
I began to learn more and more about mommy hood while watching my beautiful boy grow. This month was full of mommy duties and very little friend visits... ahah

February:
The "royal diaries" trio grew closer and closer as we shared each others deepest secrets. We began to really build trusts within one another and start a real friendship. Aubrey practically spent the night every weekend haha.
So many amazing youth memories were made, we finally began to come together as a family.

March:
March, oh my march. It was filled with amazing amounts of drama. I was juggling being their for a struggling best friend and at the same time, my relationship with my boyfriend (at the time) started to really go down hill. I was all kinds of confused and we were constantly fighting. During this month there were many nights laying on the bathroom floor with tissues and a iPod.

April:
This was ONE of the hardest months in 2011. I struggled with many things but most of all, the one year anniversary of losing my father to cancer.. There was many nights I spent crying myself to sleep wishing he would just come back for a day, few hours, even minutes..My best friends were there but kind of acted like nothing happened, almost like they forgot. But of course I understood with a situation like that what do you say? How do you say it? Do you even say anything at all? I probably wouldn't have. It was rocky with my family trying to hold it together, but we made it through. Oh lord not to mention the tornadoes that swept through the south. It was a very devastating time but I was so blessed to see how the town pulled together and showed how much tragedy can bring out the good in someone if you let it.

May:
On the very first day of this month my world got turned upside down. Some may say it's stupid, but my boyfriend of almost 2 years left for the last and final time. Now I can say i'm glad he did so, but at the time I definitely didn't feel the same. I remember almost trying to work it out, but slapped myself back into line. I guess he'll always be my happy never after. I honestly think by this time my friends were just like, "Seriously?! Again?! This is getting ridiculous." The pity probably began to shrink as their hatred for me grew. haha. But of course they stood by my side and supported me through whatever. And of course a certain someone tried to sneak into my life and confuse me. haha Oh yeah, and one of my best friends graduated. Oh my, that day was filled with joy, tears, and many laughs. I was so proud of her and excited to see what she would make of herself.

June:
Summer finally! That month I had to face the fact that one of my best friends would be leaving soon for college. It was ruff, but we all held together and got through it as best as possible. Ex- boyfriend drama began to heat up as he tried to re-enter my life one again explaining that he had changed. Oh what a fool I was. I soon learned that it was all a front. Once again, my heart was torn into pieces and from that moment on I learned to not let my guard down with that boy ever again. As well as other boys to come..

patiently but not patiently waiting...

Here I go about to rant about my problems again..Oh well.